For my birthday my beautiful wife Sarah took me to the pet store to purchase our first pet. I chose the smallest lizard I could find, a green anole native to the Hawaiian islands. Being tropical by nature it would work out perfectly for our apartment, which is always hot. We named him Dexter and for a week he has lived in a glass vase.
This story is not about Dexter, it is about Dexter’s food. Live crickets. Apparently I have discovered that the dynamic relationship between ants and crickets is exactly like the Disney film “A Bug’s Life.” Except it is the exact opposite. Ants are not the victims of mean greedy crickets; on the contrary, ants are flat out murderers.
I walk into the bathroom to find a conga line of ants leading to a giant black mass of ants trying/succeeding to eat all the crickets, which were in a small cage. Sarah immediately goes into terminator mode and out of nowhere she is spraying Windex everywhere (which actually caused the ants to melt instantly, good job wife!). I came in with a sponge to wipe the ants off the cage and rinse them down the sink. Unfortunately, these suckers get everywhere very quickly so as I wiped they crawled up my arm and I soon began to feel little sharp pains on various places on my body. I was soon in my boxers while Sarah was taking care of the ants that were biting me. We managed to wash out most of the ants and save four crickets. I relocated them to the other side of the room where I thought they would be safe.
After a full battle all the ants were dead and washed down the sink with a few stragglers which Sarah vigorously snuffed. We thought the battle was over but as Sarah tried to kill the very last ant it escaped through the wall. I drove Sarah to the airport the next morning to catch an early flight. Arriving back at home around 5:00 am, I went into the bathroom and Eeeee Eeeee Eeeee Eeeee (music from Psycho) the ants were back with a vengeance! A new line had formed marching to the location of the surviving crickets. The cage was engulfed in a sea of ants and the skeletons of the crickets were scattered. Too tired to really do anything, I moved the cage into the sink and decided that when the line moved to the sink I would annihilate the entire swarm/hive/colony or whatever you call them. So on my lunch break I prepared for battle!
It was like the lobby scene of the Matrix; I sprayed Windex in bullet time. I pulled out a mop and like the scene in Fantastic Planet where the people are… nevermind you probably haven’t seen that 1960s cartoon. Anyway, I filled up the bathtub and put the cage in the center. Soon all the ants were drowned and the war was finally over.
I made myself some lunch and went back to work…
This event made me do some research on how to battle against ants. I learned two things you can do.
1. Diatomaceous Earth is this magical dirt that makes the queen ant sterile. You sprinkle it where the ants walk and when they bring it back to their tribe it is like the movie “Children of Men” except with a better ending. But no Clive Owen.
2. Orange Peels: apparently ants and oranges are like vampires and garlic.
Well I hope you learned my lesson. Never surrender and fight to the death! To all those who are still battling, here is a quote from Winston Churchill, “If you are going to go through hell, keep going.”
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